A Little Help Here?

Hello! You've got Vanessa joining you here as we hurtle toward the holidays. Karen will be tackling the tricky topic this week of what to do when that fast track to the end of the year means that you are facing an interruption in a routine that you enjoy and/or works for you.

Here's the thing: even a routine that you merely tolerate is usually your routine for a reason: it works. And when we feel out of whack this time of year due to that routine getting pushed aside, too many of us white-knuckle it instead of asking for help.

This is something that I definitely struggle with - and not just at the holidays. Why is it so hard? Research names the most common reason that people don't ask for help as fear. Fear of rejection, fear of vulnerability, fear of seeming less capable, or just plain old fear of looking awkward. Another common reason is that we stink at making our needs known in a way that someone can constructively lend a hand. Assuming that others know what you are thinking and feeling is a common thinking trap. Of course, we know logically that we need to express our needs out loud. But too often, we expect someone to read our minds and then inevitably get frustrated when it doesn't happen. Wanna get better at asking for help when you need it? Here are some do's and don'ts to get a little more comfortable.

1. Do be specific. Clear communication is absolutely key. Try to describe what you need, why it's important to you, and how the person you’re asking can contribute. Try to be as specific as possible so they know exactly what it is they will need to do and how they will need to do it.

2. Do be flexible, fair, and reasonable - especially with whom you share your home. Everyone has differing comfort levels with how much support they may be able to offer. You can come up with a mutually beneficial support plan.

3. Don’t start with an apology. We all need help sometimes and it's nothing to be ashamed of! Starting with a "Sorry..." makes it seem like you’re doing something wrong by asking and could negatively affect the outcome. Similarly, don’t minimize your needs with words or body language. This could suggest that the ask doesn't mean much to you.

4. Don’t use the phrase "do me a favor". People will often just answer yes without thinking or recognizing that they don't have the bandwidth - which might not go as well as you'd like.

5. Don’t make reciprocity a part of the ask. While we might think that promising a favor in return is a good strategy, this kind of language could make a request feel transactional. Instead, do show your helper how and why their support mattered when you needed it. And don't underestimate the power of receiving a handwritten thank you note in the mail!

I hope some of the above strategies resonate with you in this, my last blog post of 2021! Karen will see you out. It's been an interesting ride, for sure - and I can't wait to work with you all some more in the future.

Happy holidays and take care of yourselves!